It's Valentine's Day! Did you get loads of cards and chocolates and other tacky, simple expressions of human affection? Did you send out tat because you find it almost impossible to express emotion unless there's a section dedicated to it at your local shop? Hahahaha it's all fun and games.
If you're stumped for what to do on this most momentous of date nights, don't fret, because we've got you covered. After all, what says 'I love you' better than a mobile game? Literally nothing, that's what. So here are the best games to play with your soul mate this evening.
Space Team - download for iOS
"Why aren't you shaking your phone properly Margery? Shake it like this Margery! Oh great Margery we've crashed. I want a divorce."
Why not spend Valentine's Day screaming nonsense at your significant other while flying through space? Is there anything more romantic than a goo covered instrument panel that keeps falling apart? Is there?
Amazing Katamari Damacy - download for iOS
"No Kevin, no. You're not big enough to get those yet. Kevin, grab that gold. You'll need it. Oh come on Kevin, this is why my father says you'll never amount to anything."
Rolling around is loads of fun. If I could get a job where I just rolled around I would definitely take it. Amazing Katamari Damacy is a big bright slice of absolute nonsense. Which sounds a lot like Valentine's Day if you ask me.
Heart Star - download for iOS
"Cynthia! For heaven's sake! You need to jump on that one's head and then walk over there. Brilliant. You've fallen off the edge of the level. I think you should go. Just... go."
Essentially a game about trying to get two lovers together. It's like you're a match maker, but to match make you need to play a platform game. After all, love is essentially an obstacle course and you've only got limited button presses to navigate it with.
Fingle - download for iOS
"Gerald, you need to slide your finger closer to mine. Come on Gerald, touching me isn't going to kill you. I bet you wouldn't mind playing this with your secretary. God you disgust me Gerald."
Do you like playing Twister? Do you hate moving around? Well Fingle is essentially Twister but with your fingers. It can get pretty saucy as well, let me tell you. Especially if you spill sauce on your iPad. Which I do. Often.
The Room: Old Sins - download for iOS
"Blimey Sarah, have you never played a point and click adventure before? Look in your inventory. Your inventory! No that's the eye-piece. There! THERE! Sod it, I'm opening the gin."
Bleak, lonely, and miserable. A game about the pressures of obsession and the collapse of a relationship. The only red here is blood. Deep, dripping, horrifying blood. Everything dies. Love is a fleeting moment in the abyss. Send me roses.
Downwell - download for iOS
"No Keith, your shoes are your weapons. Not in real life you muppet, in the game. Watch out for that bat! Oh for pity's sake, what is the point in this charade? I don't love you any more Keith. I haven't loved you for a long time."
Fall down a well. Kill things. Is there anything more to say?