BioShock is coming to iOS. Don't bother quoting Andrew Ryan's famous opening speech. You are not entitled to the sweat of your brow. That sweat belongs to your iPad screen, where it'll collect like an oily cloud as you dispatch spider splicers.
2K Games' drive to stuff BioShock onto mobile devices is commendable. It's also a little mind-blowing for anyone whose iPhone gaming experience began with Doodle Jump in 2009 (hint: Me). But it's been seven years since the original BioShock hit Windows and Xbox 360, and it makes sense for the hit shooting/adventure game to conquer new, albeit smaller, territory.
I haven't played BioShock since conquering the original release way back when, so the time is probably ripe for me to put on my diving helmet, attach my drill-arm, and dive back under the waves. Here are five reasons why I'm looking forward to revisiting Rapture.
5 - I'm looking forward to a more private game experience
BioShock is a single-player game, but that doesn't necessarily equal a single-player experience. If you play your console games in your living room, and many of us do, chances are you initially played through BioShock while a back-seat player pointed at a rampaging Big Daddy on your TV and hooted "OOH! OOH!" like a demented orangutan.
BioShock on mobile stands to be a darker, quieter, more solitary trip through Rapture, which is how 2K intended for things to be. Moreover, we can plug in headphones and let the anguished moans of the dying underwater city permeate our brains. Good way to wind down before going to sleep, right? Right?
4 - I'm looking forward to frightening fellow commuters with the Waders' "Jesus Loves Me" schtick
BioShock players know that when the words "Jesus loves me…" begin floating down an empty, wet hallway, it's not time to join in a sing-along. It's time to make sure your gun is loaded and your wrench is within easy reach. Wader splicers believe themselves to be angels of death, and they'll belt out the lyrics to "Jesus Loves Me" when they're in a particularly creepy mood. Consider cranking up the volume on your iDevice so the dude watching over your shoulder as you play on the bus can get an earful.
3 - I'm looking forward to working (carefully) towards the game's "good ending"
Kill one Little Sister and the world loses its frickin' mind. You assisted with the horrific medical experiments that were conducted on your own people in Auschwitz, Brigid, but y'know, go ahead and chew me out. It's OK.
2 - I'm looking forward to juggling my phone's data
BioShock for mobile will reportedly hit the 2 gig mark, or just under it. Talk about an opportunity to comb through my game collection and dispose of games that are gathering digital dust. Remember when games were a once-a-year treat at Christmas or on birthdays?
1 - I'm looking forward to coming up with new curses as I struggle with touch screen controls
BioShock for mobile has controller support, but I've not picked up an iOS controller yet. I don't know if I ever will. So it's touch screen controls for this Little Sister. That means numerous opportunities to groom new, creative curses that your mother will not approve of. Gosh dang it all to heck.