But soft, what light through yonder window breaks? It's the iPhone 6 and the iPhone 6 Plus, both of which hit North America on September 19.
As might be expected by this point, the iPhone 6 is an expensive chunk of technology. You need to talk to it softly, pat it gently, and reassure it as necessary. Here are six tips for taking good care of your new friend.
Also included: Blatant suggestions on what not to do with your phone, regardless of whatever that "fwd: fwd: fwd: READ THIS APPLE FANS!!!" email suggests.
How to Clean your iPhone 6 or 6 Plus
DO: Use a soft, dry cloth. Like most open-face electronics, the iPhone 6 collects fingerprints as efficiently as a 12-year-old collects Pokemon.
DON'T: Use a scouring pad. Or a rock. Or your cat's fur. Do not spit on your screen and rub it in your shirt. Do not hand your iPhone to your child, for handing anything to a child is the exact opposite of cleaning it.
How to Charge your iPhone 6 or 6 Plus
Use the provided Lightning cable. Plug it into a USB port, or use the prong extension to plug it into a wall socket. Proceed to twiddle your thumbs for the next hour or so.
DON'T: Use your microwave. Not unless you want to risk killing yourself in an inexplicable quest to own a stinking, molten chunk of plastic, aluminium, and circuitry. Seriously folks, just because a press release is written in Myriad typeface doesn't mean you should do what it says.
How to carry your iPhone 6 or 6 Plus
DO: Purchase a protective case for your device; preferably an amusing retro tribute that resembles a Game Boy or an NES control pad. Keep your iPhone in a bag or purse pocket that's separate from coins, keys, and gremlins.
DON'T: Stick your iPhone 6 in your back pocket, as aluminum and bum-heat don't mix favorably (the validity of this rumor has yet to be debunked or verified by Snopes, but when is it ever a good idea to keep electronics in your back pocket, anyway? Hint: Never).
How to share your iPhone 6 or 6 Plus
Be generous about letting your friends examine your iPhone 6. Understand their need to do so; touching an object is the most primal way of memorizing its texture, shape, and curves. You should probably stop any attempts to sniff or taste the iPhone, however.
DON'T: Hiss and rear back when your friends reach for your iPhone. Or, if you must do so, at least try and prevent your eyes from flashing yellow and constricting into cat-like slits.
ALSO DON'T: Hand your iPhone 6 to your child. We've already discussed why.
How to eat with your iPhone 6 or 6 Plus
DO: Sit your iPhone up at the table, put a bib on it, and offer it a scone.
DON'T: Smear peanut butter between two phones and take a bite.
How to properly show off your iPhone or 6 Plus
Lift up your phone slowly and carefully while humming the "Sunrise" theme from 2001: A Space Odyssey
. Before presentation, review your position with the Earth's sun so that its rays may catch and glint off the sexy aluminum backing.
DON'T: Drop the bloody thing.