Version Reviewed: 1.0
App Reviewed on: iPad 2
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Now that the World Cup is over do you find yourself missing soccer, but also tired of games with complex rules and nagging button inputs? Do you yearn for a 1-button sport simulator with the kind of gameplay variety that makes you feel like the designer only had the vaguest notion of what ‘sports’ actually are? Have you ever wondered what it would look like if 2 teams of headless soccer players squared off against each other in the snow using a beach ball and grossly under-sized goals?
Well, have I got a game for you!
Soccer Physics is simple, and absurd, and really fun. Each team consists of 2 heavily pixilated players, and there is only one button input available – each tap causes both your players to vault into the air while simultaneously vaguely throwing one leg forward in a mechanical arc that one might generously describe as a ‘kick’. That’s it! Characters will sort of drift towards the ball every time they jump, but players have absolutely no way of controlling their team beyond the choice of when to press the jump button. After every goal, the rules of the match randomly change – sometimes the soccer ball gets replaced with a football, or the goals will get huge, or the ground might get slippery, or, yes, everyone’s heads may disappear.
Soccer Physics is a silly little filler game, made fantastic when played with a friend. The two of you will sit head-to-head, frantically timing your flailing jumps, desperate to not knock the ball into your own goal as you try to score on your opponent. I played it several times with friends, and every time devolved into a giggling pile of silliness as we watched our players flop about - especially once we started using the game's built-in replay feature. The soundtrack is a frantic, driving chiptune monstrosity that sounds like it could have been cribbed straight from McPixel, and that’s a great thing.
Soccer Physics doesn't pretend to be anything it isn't. The game embraces its own absurdity in a way that makes it an absolute blast to play. Is there depth to it? Not at all, but that’s not even close to the point. Soccer Physics is a perfect way to while away 47 seconds of your time, but it’s even better if you can manage to waste a friend’s time with it.