Tag: Satire »

The very first Angry Birds debuted on iOS back in 2009. When you sit back and tally up the number of Angry Birds games out there and the impact they've had on pop culture as a whole, you just need to ask yourself: "How would the birds taste following a three-hour engagement with a broiler?"

No, seriously. The anniversary of the Angry Birds and American Thanksgiving are in the same neighborhood, date-wise. And while not everyone eats fowl for Thanksgiving (or meat in general, for that matter), Thanksgiving is still synonymous with roasted bird-meat. So let's sit back, loosen our belts, and have a solemn conversation about how the Angry Birds would fare as a main course this holiday season.

Come on, it's worth considering. There are no wings to contend with, no drumsticks - not even any bones if the way they fling themselves around is any indication. The Angry Birds are just big buttery balls of white meat. That said, some probably make for better eating than others. Let's get on with this vital holiday breakdown.

But soft, what light through yonder window breaks? It's the iPhone 6 and the iPhone 6 Plus, both of which hit North America on September 19.

As might be expected by this point, the iPhone 6 is an expensive chunk of technology. You need to talk to it softly, pat it gently, and reassure it as necessary. Here are six tips for taking good care of your new friend.

Also included: Blatant suggestions on what not to do with your phone, regardless of whatever that "fwd: fwd: fwd: READ THIS APPLE FANS!!!" email suggests.

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How to Clean your iPhone 6 or 6 Plus

DO: Use a soft, dry cloth. Like most open-face electronics, the iPhone 6 collects fingerprints as efficiently as a 12-year-old collects Pokemon.

DON'T: Use a scouring pad. Or a rock. Or your cat's fur. Do not spit on your screen and rub it in your shirt. Do not hand your iPhone to your child, for handing anything to a child is the exact opposite of cleaning it.

How to Charge your iPhone 6 or 6 Plus

DO: Use the provided Lightning cable. Plug it into a USB port, or use the prong extension to plug it into a wall socket. Proceed to twiddle your thumbs for the next hour or so.

DON'T: Use your microwave. Not unless you want to risk killing yourself in an inexplicable quest to own a stinking, molten chunk of plastic, aluminium, and circuitry. Seriously folks, just because a press release is written in Myriad typeface doesn't mean you should do what it says.

How to carry your iPhone 6 or 6 Plus

DO: Purchase a protective case for your device; preferably an amusing retro tribute that resembles a Game Boy or an NES control pad. Keep your iPhone in a bag or purse pocket that's separate from coins, keys, and gremlins.

DON'T: Stick your iPhone 6 in your back pocket, as aluminum and bum-heat don't mix favorably (the validity of this rumor has yet to be debunked or verified by Snopes, but when is it ever a good idea to keep electronics in your back pocket, anyway? Hint: Never).

How to share your iPhone 6 or 6 Plus

DO: Be generous about letting your friends examine your iPhone 6. Understand their need to do so; touching an object is the most primal way of memorizing its texture, shape, and curves. You should probably stop any attempts to sniff or taste the iPhone, however.

DON'T: Hiss and rear back when your friends reach for your iPhone. Or, if you must do so, at least try and prevent your eyes from flashing yellow and constricting into cat-like slits.

ALSO DON'T: Hand your iPhone 6 to your child. We've already discussed why.

How to eat with your iPhone 6 or 6 Plus

DO: Sit your iPhone up at the table, put a bib on it, and offer it a scone.

DON'T: Smear peanut butter between two phones and take a bite.

How to properly show off your iPhone or 6 Plus

DO: Lift up your phone slowly and carefully while humming the "Sunrise" theme from 2001: A Space Odyssey. Before presentation, review your position with the Earth's sun so that its rays may catch and glint off the sexy aluminum backing.

DON'T: Drop the bloody thing.

We were all expecting some big things from Apple's conference today - Mavericks, details on the new iPad and possibly iPad Mini, and so on - but I don't think anyone was prepared for the big bombshell. I am, of course, talking about Apple's videos.

The keynote was accentuated throughout by a series of beautifully constructed and masterfully presented videos showcasing the technology giant's latest and greatest achievements. And what about that iPad Air video? Did you see that iPad Air video? Holy jeeze! At one point it had a truck jumping over sand dunes in it!

We won't know how the world will receive the new iPad Air and iPad Mini until November, but I think it's safe to say that those of us who were able to catch the live stream of the presentation will be forever changed. Apple is a fantastic hardware and software developer, but their video creation skills are nothing short of mind-blowing.

If you wept openly the moment the word "Video" popped up on the big screen, or if you had to pause the presentation for a moment to collect yourself, please chime in below!

Funny or Die is bringing their special brand of star-studded comedy to the iPad with The Occasional, a bimonthly magazine which will feature completely original content. Don't expect a traditional magazine though, as the FoD crew has freely admitted that they have no idea what they're doing and thus plan to spice up every issue with some offbeat content.

So far what we've seen in the first issue is fairly standard magazine fare, but with a very humorous twist. There's an interview with Ed Helms conducted by comedian Zack Galifianakis, a "Hippo Fact Page" of dubious scientific accuracy, and oh so much more. If you're tired of "serious" magazines with "real" information then this just may be your solution.

You can download a free trial of The Occasional for free, but it only provides a small taste. A full issue is $3.99 and an annual subscription is $9.99. But in all honesty, can you put a price on laughter?