The very first Angry Birds debuted on iOS back in 2009. When you sit back and tally up the number of Angry Birds games out there and the impact they've had on pop culture as a whole, you just need to ask yourself: "How would the birds taste following a three-hour engagement with a broiler?"
No, seriously. The anniversary of the Angry Birds and American Thanksgiving are in the same neighborhood, date-wise. And while not everyone eats fowl for Thanksgiving (or meat in general, for that matter), Thanksgiving is still synonymous with roasted bird-meat. So let's sit back, loosen our belts, and have a solemn conversation about how the Angry Birds would fare as a main course this holiday season.
Come on, it's worth considering. There are no wings to contend with, no drumsticks - not even any bones if the way they fling themselves around is any indication. The Angry Birds are just big buttery balls of white meat. That said, some probably make for better eating than others. Let's get on with this vital holiday breakdown.
Red Bird - Red is the spokesbird for the Angry Birds franchise. Nearly every Angry Birds game available for download features him on the icon. As far as Angry Birds go, he appears to be of average size and average weight. But honestly, he'd probably taste a bit gamey. Red is constantly on-edge, which means his blood is probably spiked with tons of testosterone. If you raised him as a capon, however...
Recommended marinade: Barbeque sauce.
Blue Birds - These bite-sized birds might be good for an appetizer or a chicken ball-style dish, but not much else. More alarmingly, given their expertise at breaking through glass, you'd probably dig into one only to wind up with a mouthful of shards.
Recommended marinade: Sweet and sour sauce.
Yellow Bird (Chuck) - Chuck is a compact bird with good color and aerodynamics. We imagine his meat would be firm, but not too tough. Marinade for at least an hour just to be on the safe side.
Recommended marinade: Lemon pepper
White Bird (Matilda) - Matilda lays eggs. In other words, she comes with her own side dish. Many Chinese restaurants serve a chicken meat and egg dish called "Mother and child reunion." Understand where this is going?
Recommended marinade: HP Sauce.
Big Red Bird (Terence) - Terence is a pretty huge fellow with plenty of meat on his bones (again, assuming that the Angry Birds even have bones). Theoretically, he could feed an army. That said, you should take into account that Terence is essentially an older, grumpier version of young Red. He might be tough and hard to swallow - that, and he's lived long enough to soak up environmental pollutants. You can risk gulping him down, but you might wind up on the can all night. If your family is the type to scream about politics across the dinner table though, maybe you'd have an excuse to cut out on the festivities.
Recommended marinade: Barbeque sauce (economy size).
Mighty Eagle - Ah, now here's a sizable bird that's packed with quality white meat. Get ready to fight for your meal, though. The Mighty Eagle isn't going to lay idly beside your dumb cornucopia decoration. Take a tin of sardines and a prayer. Good luck.
Recommended marinade: Fish sauce.
Green Bird (Hal) - Hal is 85% beak. He's good for exactly one thing: entertaining the rugrats at the hellscape known as the kids' table. Let the children take turns wearing the beak as a pagan mask. If the whole thing devolves into a Lord of the Flies-style massacre, you may need to intervene.
Recommended marinade: The blood of the Beast.
Black Bird (Bomb) - Don't eat this guy. He'll blow up in your face.
Recommended marinade: No, seriously, he'll explode. What's wrong with you?