You’ve come this far, so why are you still playing for free? Come on - you must be able to rustle up a few bucks to splash out on your new addiction.

Cut back on the drugs and alcohol for a couple of days and put the savings towards lovely green gems. Before you go crazy though, read the tips below and make the most of what you’ve got.

Now we’re getting somewhere. Hopefully you’ve read my other guides where I explain how not to be a loser. If you haven’t, then you’re already a loser and you might as well go right to the bottom of this article and click on the links. Like, right now. Otherwise, feel free to read on...

So, I can’t help you with general life tips I’m afraid - you’re on your own there. I can stop you looking like a total fool though when you’re playing Clash Royale against yet another opponent with random characters as a screenname - but you have to follow this advice very carefully.

Look at the watch, watch it swing, follow the movement, 3, 2, 1... you’re under my spell.

So, you’ve got Clash Royale. You find yourself playing it while on the toilet, walking the dog, watching TV, even over the dinner table. But you’re not amazing at it yet, and you just have to win that next battle before you go to sleep.

Fear not! For I have taken the time to play this game intensely (for seven whole days) and will share my wisdom. Wisdom that has been gained by various means: Losing a lot of games in a row (and throwing my phone across the room many times), reading other Clash Royale guides, refreshing the Reddit page every 10 minutes, and experimenting with my deck and tactics.

In the interest of fairness, I will disclose that I spent £7.99 on a pack of gems after the first hour of play. Don’t all get angry though - I have a paying job and can afford such luxuries. Plus I wanted to thrash all the weaker players who basically can’t afford such largesse.

It worked - I rapidly moved onto Arena 3, taking many a three crown win with me. However, the fun stopped there. I came across players who actually had tactics, good cards, and more importantly, trolled me excellently when they were winning. The number of ‘crying face emojis’ I had sent to me as a Giant is about to smash my King Tower… well you can probably understand my frustration.

So I researched for my own selfish reasons - I want to be the best in my clan. But, because I’m a nice guy, I’m sharing my findings with you.

I’ll preface - I’m at Arena 5, so don’t be thinking you can rock in here as an Arena 7 player and think this stuff is useful - it’s almost certainly terrible advice for very good players and you can take it with a pinch of salt. For the 99%, it’s invaluable and you will be praising the ground I walk on after reading these delightful tips.